Matt's 2 Minute Reviews

The Dark Knight

2008-07-24T07:43:00.003+01:00

While full of expectation, The Dark Knight is truly a movie that takes hype and eats it up for breakfast, and I emerged from the auditorium with my special edition holographic poster clutched tightly in hard, and a warm feeling in my gut - from the pitch perfect performances of Heath 'The Legend' Ledger, Gary Oldman, Christian Bale and pretty much everyone else for that matter - to a story which had my mouth agape in more than one spot, pretty much everything about this movie is brilliant. Well, pretty much...

The Bat Pod reversing up walls is fairly crap

Harvey two face is NOT brilliant as per reviews I've read - he is in fact a bit shit. Think Evil Dead.

The sonar crap is well, crap. Yes, Bats have sonar, doesn't mean that The Batman needs sonar. And if you're going to do it then do it - but do it for the reason it was intended, don't then make Batman's eyes blue and attempt to fuck up a perfectly brilliant movie (You know there is an extra action figure planned with blue eyes... )

Yeah, they're pretty much the negative points... Absolutely, without a doubt, 100%, one of the best films ever! It's dark, it's real, and it dares to show us where our societies are probably heading... So, will the real Dark Night please stand up?

9.5/10

Wall-e

2008-07-21T14:41:00.003+01:00

I'm a tough guy, someone who isn't often phased by the emotional stuff of life. In fact it's fair to say that I believe that seriously important people in my life could drop dead and I wouldn't really be that emotional about it - yes, I'd care, but not to the extent I'd shed a tear.

The only time that I ever get wet eyes is in movies, I'm a bit weird like that, can't explain it, it's just the way that it is.

And with Wall-e, I didn't leave the cinema dry eyed... It's amazing from start to end. The first 10 minute set up of who Wall-e is is absolutely stunning, I smiled and laughed and thought "yes" and then smiled and laughed some more for the whole ten minutes - while children around me laughed at the slapstick, I was flabbergasted at the attention to detail and the feeling of "human" that Pixar has chosen to pump into the tiny robot - when he rocks himself to sleep I had one of the biggest smiles in recent time on my face.

And then the rest of the film happens and the smile just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Brilliant from start to finish - and yes, emotional too. I weeped for Wall-e.

Watch it kids, it's better than the Lion King!

Doctor Who Season 4... Part 2

2008-05-11T12:58:00.002+01:00

So, having now watched half of season 4 of Doctor Who I can honestly say that not only has Catherine Tate totally screwed with my preconception of her as an actress, but she's also turned out to be the best companion of the new Doctors (both Eccleston and Tenant).

The episodes of season 4 have all been really good too (with the exception of last nights "The Doctors Daughter" which against all odds was shit) - only having a few crap scenes in 6 episodes is quite good going on previous series.

The inclusion of Rose again last week was cool too.

So, I'm happy with the Doctor - all is good. And now I shall offer my prediction for the coming weeks ... or at least the arc of the season.

I'm thinking that "the thing on Donna's Back" as mentioned in the episode about Versuvias is actually Rose, and I'm fairly sure that Rose is going to end up being the seasons "big-bad" eventually being the Doctors destroyer - leading to another regeneration and the year off that we've been promised next year.

That's my bet anyway...

Speed Racer

2008-05-11T12:49:00.003+01:00

A little while ago now I saw the trailer for this movie and vowed that I would never set foot in a cinema to see it. It looked like everything that I would hate about a movie - it's about cars, and it looked to be aimed squarely at the 5-8 year old boy demographic of the market.

Fortunate for me then that I had nothing else to do yesterday and so found myself sat in my local multiplex with a box of popcorn, a coke and an expectation that I was about to be bored to death for 2 hours.

So...

Speed Racer is AMAZING! From the first to the last frame of the movie it exudes a kind of class that it's extremely rare in my opinion to find on film.

The movie is NOT about motor racing, it's about the dynamic of family and is both an emotional rollercoaster as well as being a visually stunning assault on the senses. Combined I can honestly say that it's one of the best movies I've ever seen - possibly even better than Juno.

Everyone in it is brilliant, even the youngest Racer brother Spridle who in the first few seconds I thought I would end up hating, is himself excellent - along with ChimpChimp his trusty monkey sidekick. Lost's Matthew Fox is very good as RacerRex/Rex Racer, Goodman is awesome as Pops Racer and Susan Sarandon brings real emotion to her slightly underutilised role of Mom Racer.

There is nothing more to say except put all pre-conceptions and expectations about Speed Racer aside and go watch it - it is awesome beyond words.

11/10

Iron Man

2008-05-11T12:44:00.003+01:00

It's one of those things really - you wait years and years for a decent super hero movie and then 3 come along at the same time... Yes, Iron Man, followed hot on his heals by The Incredible Hulk, and then The Dark Knight. This summer is going to be brilliant for anyone who loves the comic book genre. But how did the first man out of the blocks fare?

Well, I'm amazingly happy to say that I absolutely loved Iron Man - and absolutely loved Robert Downey Jnr as Tony Stark. Back when Spiderman came out I was completely surprised how Toby Maguire owned the role - he WAS Peter Parker, this is repeated again with this role and I can't in my head ever seeing anyone playing this role.

As for the movie itself, it's an action fest from start to finish - never more than 5 minutes between an action set peice or major plot point reveal - and each one is glorious.

I can't praise Iron Man enough as a super hero movie. It's got everything. Just hope that Hulk and Batman (especially Batman) can live up to what Iron Man has given us so early in the year.

9/10

In Bruges

2008-04-20T22:05:00.003+01:00

Quite frankly the most politically incorrect and absolutely brilliant adult comedy of the last 12 months. All three leading men - Fienes, Gleeson and Farrel - are absolutely awesome, especially the latter who having spent the last few years doing hollywood crap makes his character completely believable and delivers him with comic genius, his dulcet Irish tones saying the words "midget", "retarded" and over and over again "fuck" coudl easily have made me cry with laughter. Brilliant. 9/10

Doctor Who Season 4...

2008-04-05T20:01:00.003+01:00

Well, season 4 in it's new carnation anyway...

So, Catherine Tate returns as Donna and it's 50 minutes of shit. Utter bollocks. Yes, there is a vaguely funny bit in the middle when the Doctor is reunited with Donna - but beyond that, utter crap. Nothing makes it stand out in any other way.

That is to say until 3 minutes before the end when a huge surprise is dropped... ROSE TYLER! There! On our screens... and then she disapears like a ghost... will she be this seasons badwolf I wonder...

2/10

Step Up 2 The Streets

2008-03-22T20:07:00.003Z

This movie is all about 2 things - if you discount the navel. If you include "the navel" then it's about 3 things - Noise, Movement and the Navel.

Which isn't to say that the movie is bad, in fact I actually really liked it - especially the navel. The navel of Briana Evigan.

So, the movie could really have absolutely no story whatsoever as the one it does have is so paper thin that tissue paper is slightly weightier. But the music, the dancing, and "the navel" all serve to make this movie something quite emotionally brilliant.

Loved it. Well, more than I thought I would anyway.

8/10

Jimmy Eat World

2008-02-26T10:51:00.003Z

At the Leeds University Refectory - 22nd February 2008.

Jimmy Eat World are one of my all time favourite bands. Can't say plainer than that, since their rerelease "Jimmy Eat World" album back at the start of the decade they have no put a foot wrong - "Futures" was an amazing collection of tracks and "Chase the Light" again delivered anthems that I relate to on a day to day level. So, getting to see these guys for the second time in a year was an amazing opertunity.

So, that they came to Leeds and they managed to almost... ALMOST... make the Leeds Refectory sound half decent is indeed much real praise for them, as it is globally recognised that the Leeds Refectory is the worst music venue in the world. There are huts in deepest Africa that are both cooler, and have better acoustics than the shithole that is the Leeds Uni Refectory. And did I mention the big stupid pillars that obscure the views of anyone on the stage?

But JEW were brilliant, they hit a few duff notes if I'm honest, and played a few too many tracks that weren't from "Chase the Light" - it was the "Chase the Light tour" after all... But apart from these small things, they played a blinding set! The crown was mostly rocking along (with the exception of Ryan) and even James had a godo time. Great night. Shit Venue.

Juno

2008-02-08T22:58:00.000Z

As you can probably tell by a cursory glance over this page I'm not someone who is prone to thinking things are "okay"... Or at least when I do, I'm not really in the habit of writing about them. This is because I'm all about the passion - and "okay" isn't really passion worthy. So, you probably expect grand sweeping statements of love or loathing... However, the following statements only go a small way to describe how I feel about Juno, as to put into words the pure brilliance of this movie is impossible.

Juno is the best film of the last 10 years.

Okay, maybe that's a little extreme.

Juno is the best film of the last 5 years.

Sounds a little better.

Actually, to be honest I'm not sure what the timescale is, but Juno is the best film that I've seen in living memory - it's like a combination of every great movie I've seen in recent times, and is completely reminiscent of none of them.

As a side note, I'm completely in love with Ellen Page - it's a horrid fact and true. If only she existed in a body 10 years older and had really low standards then I might have found the most perfect woman in the world...

But this isn't about one woman, it's about a movie which manages to hit every note pitch perfectly - it's funny, it's heartwarming, it's surprising, it's glorious. Not once from start to finish does it (or ANY of the fantastic cast) put a foot wrong as it tells the kooky love story of the crazy Juno, her family, friends and the life inside her.

If this were Desert Island Discs and I could only watch one movie for the rest of my life, it would be this one. This movie is absolutely perfect in every way possible - including the soundtrack, which is amazing too.

10/10 (11 if it was possible)

Frankly dear, I don't give a damn about the iPhone...

2008-02-03T12:56:00.001Z

...or "How the Nokia N95 8GB is blatently the best phone in the world"

Having decided to ditch my crappy Nokia 6600, and having lost my Samsung Digicam in 2007 I was firmly of the mind that I would get myself a phone with a great camera in it - and so my selection was reduced to the G800 from Samsung, the Viewty from LG and the Nokia N95 - I'd discounted the Sony Ericsson offering on the basis that the interface on Dave's looked shit. Well, after thinking hard I plumbed for the Nokia - it was what I knew, and although I'd loved my Samsung camera the fact was that I'd never seen one of their phone interfaces and was a bit scared of having to live with something i hated for 18 months (Yes, in order to get my phone I've had to upgrade my contract to 18 months - and get a new provider too - Bye T-Mobile, Hi Vodafone).

So I've now had my phone for about 24 hours and I LOVE it. Across the internet people pretty much have the same opinion as me, with the exception that they call it bulky. The people who call this mobile bulky are frankly a bit stupid. It's got a smaller height/width footprint than my iPod touch and having been into a phone shop today isn't any thicker than other phones which boast a third of the functionality.

The camera is brilliant, the interface is Series 6 Nokia and works amazingly well - albeit a little slow sometimes. The audio works well too - though this would be _my_ only niggle with the device - it's prone to breaking up when you want to take a phone and listen to MP3's, and it's not intelligent enough to realise the headphones plugged in have no audio input (i.e. a microphone) and so when you take a call with the phones in the audio pipes through the phones yet you're expected to talk into the phone.

But these are really small niggles on a device that came loaded with Spiderman 3, and is about as powerful as anything that I'd ever contemplate seeing in a pocket. It's got an office suite, it's got ZIP compression software, it's got Pocket Acrobat. The latest firmware has the latest version of Flash Lite. The games are amazingly cool - 3D worms almost took my breath away - and with the promise of NGAGE games working on the device soon this will get even better.

I cannot sing the praises of this device enough - the iPhone is a weak and pale comparison to this glorious pocket monster! 11/10

Lost Season 4

2008-02-02T19:30:00.001Z

After a huge wait - it's been about 9 months since Lost last graced our screens in "new" form - we finally get to see what happened when Jack called the boat. And this first episode excels... It's Hurley-centric and the first time in a long while that I've given a damn about the American porker. We get to see the starting of the repurcusions of Charlies death, we get to see Locke divide the group, and we get to see the future - again - and it looks like something spectacular is going to happen in season 4. Lost continues to put HEROES to shame... absolutely stunning - and not a dry eye in the house when Hurley has to tell Claire about her poor brit hero! 9/10

Cloverfield

2008-02-02T19:23:00.000Z

Last night I saw the most hyped file of 2008 so far - if not of the last couple of years. And unlike many other movies that have a whole world of expectation to live up to and fail horrendously, this movie actually squares up to everything that I expected it to be. I saw it with a bunch of guys from work, who had mixed opinions on the movie - but for myself I loved it. It's a great love story, set about the immenent destruction of New York by a super large giant reptilianesque MONSTER! Filmed completely on a handicam. So it's very shakey, very runny abouty, very ... well, you've probably seen the trailer. All the actors are brilliant, the action is perfectly timed and used in just the right measures throughout and the movie keeps you guessing to a large extent what's going to happen next - even though you should kinda be able to guess the ending when the movie starts. My only critisism of Cloverfield is in the monster itself - that we don't quite get to see enough of it. Yes, the "not quite knowing" is all part of the glory of Cloverfield - but would liked to have got something a bit more definative by the end of the 90 minutes. Apart from that I enjoyed every minute - even with the mild motion sickess that I had to endure to see the brilliant ending. 9/10.

One Night Only

2008-01-28T12:29:00.000Z

I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF A TREND SETTER. Let's get that out of the way. However, I do think that One Night Only are possibly one of the best bands I've heard in years and will storm through 2008 with the ferocity of a wildfire in a fat farm (fat burns right?)...

One Night Only's latest single released today "Just for Tonight", which you can download on iTunes, was used as the title track from last years brillian E4 teen drama "Almost Famous" and was an instant hit in my head.

Keep an eye out for this Yorkshire bunch, they're brilliant. Fact. 10/10

A V P R - Alien vs. Predator - Requiem

2008-01-28T09:14:00.000Z

A movie so great they named it twice. Yes, of course. AVPR has these great closing credits, big and metalic looking in a stupidly large typeface that just scream "we're soo far up our own arse we really want you to know who made this movie" - I mean, for christ sake... DIRECTED THE BROTHERS STRAUSE... utter bollocks. Unfortunately the credits are jsut a continuation of the rest of the movie - which as far as I'm aware isn't meant to be a comedy of plot oversights and completely ridiculous cliches. As action movies go, there is blood, there is gore, there are men running around trying to be manly - there are women running around trying to be manly - it's just that I didn't care. I actually prefered the first one of these outings, which is probably the worst thing that I can say about this movie - as the first one was crap - but at least a little funny. This effort just made me want to go to sleep. It was so droll that I didn't at all mind the bunch of scally bastards sat in the seats in front of me - though at one point thought it might be nice to try a predator move on their faces - SLASH, SMASH, CRUSH... 3/10

Torchwood

2008-01-13T17:02:00.000Z

I'm going to give a few of my thoughts regarding Torchwood which is starting again this week - and I just saw the trailer for the first time. Why oh Why oh Why does this series continue to make itself about nothing more than sexual exploration and gay propaganda! I watched the entire first series, liked a few episodes, for the most part thought that the writing was awful, that the actors did a fair job wading though the bad writing, and that while this show isn't about showing real lives - aliens don't invade our streets every day of the week - it should for the most part give us believable characters that we can in some way (any way) find likable. Now, for my part, and I like a bit of gender-bending as next as the next man, I do not understand why the writers and super-large homo Russel T Davies, need to keep pushing men kissing men, and women kissing women down the throats of all the lovely normal every day folk that watch the show - this is NOT how every day lives work! It's just not! I can't remember the last time that I saw random strangers of the same sex (or alternate sex for that matter) lip locked on the street! This is less sci-fi than Russel T Davies fantasties. STOP IT NOW and you'll probably managed to get yourself a Christmas Special in 2008 to match Doctor Who.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

2008-01-13T16:28:00.000Z

I remember back 13 years or so ago having to wait for about 24 hours while the new Quake 2 game downloaded on my 14.4 internet - I also remember having had doom 2 the first day that I had my first PC. What now passes for a first person shooter is so much down to these two games - and more besides - but to say that in only those 13 short years we've come from those pixelated, 2 axis'd run and shooters to games like COD4 in 2007 is something near to amazing. COD4 is the pinacle of modern day first person shooters - that is all there is to it. The single player game has a brilliant story, easy controls and stunning visuals - the audio is occasionally offputting, but this is all that I can find to say about this game that isn't perfect. Then, when you've eventually finished the campaign game (which took me about 4 days on "normal" - short, but better than the 4 hours or so for Halo 3) there is an absolutely stunning multiplayer game. Complete with 12 or so game modes, and with a league system to climb not only once - but twice (once in the fabled "prestige mode"), the game is truly a thing of beauty that should be played by everyone who has even a passing interest in the genre. Nothing better ever before - and there's only one small thing that's a problem. 9.8/10

The Golden Compass

2007-12-05T20:21:00.001Z

On the back of the spectacular trailer for this movie I recently purchased the "His Dark Materials" trilogy from Philip Pullman, from which this movie is taken (this movie being based on the first book, Northern Lights). I absolutely LOVED the books, and will write about them separately, and went into the preview of The Golden Compass expecting amazing things. So, to say that I came out of the cinema a wreck having seen the most disappointing spectacle ever committed to celuloid is almost an understatement. The books are edgy, phenominal page turners with an amazing story about love, organised religion and what really should be important to us humans living out here in the real world - and to make it all the better, it's completed with the inclusion of super large fighting polar bears in armour. The movie is the equivelant of one of those super large fighting bears - only de-toothed, shrank 80% in a spin dryer, and dressed in pink frilly underwear where once there was Sky-iron armour. The story remains vaguely the same, though tumbled on it's head missing key scenes and swapping the second and third quarters of the book around - and then totally dropping the last quarter (the one with the twist, the one which sewed the entire previous 300 pages (or 120 minutes) together). So, a screwed story. To that, let's imagine that instead of going out there to find the best acting talent available the producers went out there thought "fuck it, find me the first 12 year old girl you can" and then repeated this over and over again for every part in the movie. The only sliver of acceptability in the movie come from Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig and Sam Elliot who are in it for a grand total of around 6 minutes each. While most of the cast are aweful, many of them have age as an excuse - the guy who plays Farder Coram however has no such excuse, and MUST take home the "worst actor in any winter blockbuster ever award". In the book he is a frail man, but quick witted and intelligent. In the movie he is a 50 year old plank who reads his script with the emotion of an incised child/zombie. All in all this movie sucks ass - the fluffy teddy bear version of the ferocious fighting bear of a book. 2/10

Beowulf

2007-11-27T10:04:00.000Z

Like a feature length edition of the darkest CBeebies cartoon you'll ever see. Or Shrek without the donkey - and worse visuals. I was lucky enough to see this on digital screening (not quite the IMAX that other people have been lucky enough to see this on) and so the clarity was amazing. The film in itself was not. Yes, there is blood. Yes, there are guts. Yes, there are HUGE monsters and dragons and demons and ugly Danish brutes. And for all this, and all the fighting, and all the ... what should be brilliant ... the film actually manages to be very dull. The visuals flit between being brilliant and being very mediocre - some of the horse scenes are painful, some of the warrior characters look to be carbon copied for full scenes (need 12 people in helmets? Let's use the same model over and over again...) and to add to all this the story pace cycles rapidly through full on speed to turtle crawl and back again every 10 minutes. Near the only thing that I liked about the entire film was the way that it made Angelina Jolie vaguely attractive again (probably the first time since Hackers) - as a demon she has the cutest little nose. 4/10

Shrooms

2007-11-23T22:01:00.000Z

Tonight I saw Shrooms. I always thought it would be on the wrong side of 'good' and didn't really want to go in the first place - except there was little to do after work, and decided to 'take it in' with a workmate. So to say I was surprised by this movie is very much something. Of course, it's not that I was surprised that it was 'brilliant' or even 'good' - I was surprised at just had abysmally BAD this movie is. With a plot straight out of something a 12 year old might write for a GCSE English assignment, with laughable characters who I literally laughed at over and over til the end of the 90 minutes, with a 'twist' that was guessed after only 30 minutes. From the first minute the film exudes crapness - yes, the movie is called shrooms, that probably means you don't need to squeeze the word into the first 5 minutes of the movie about 94 times - and until the credits roll there isn't a redeeming moment. Along the way, this movie takes even single Horror genre 'idiot move' and throws them at the unwilling watcher like they were nuggets of gold that can't be lived without. The movie left me dizzy and exhausted, scared at how bad movies can actually be, and feeling that I've seen the worst movie I'll see until the day I die. 0/10

Assassin's Creed

2007-11-17T12:30:00.001Z

There are already many reviews out there which detail how mediocre Assassin's Creed is, so it seems totally stupid to me that I'd write another one - so instead I'll write one which airs more on the side of the games graces, than it's slightly gaping holes. For the younger people out there who come to games like Assassin's Creed after games such as Splinter Cell, Tomb Raider or Hitman you will never understand the leap that this game represents. As someone who has now breached 30 years old I can remember when Prince of Persia was released on the Commodore 64 - it represented a mammoth step forwards in the way that games behaved and looked. From titles such as Blagger and New Zealand Story, the platform genre suddenly became "grown up" - they stopped using sprites which essentially had three or four states, and they became "fluid" - or at least as fluid as 1983 could handle. For me, seeing and playing Assassin's Creed is akin to going back to that day, those days, with Prince of Persia. It is a truly emotional experience that takes me back almost 25 years ago. Now, the game itself is amazingly beautiful - the most beautiful game that I've ever seen! Unfortunately, the game is a little bit samey - with missions pretty much being the same from one to the next. The story is a little predictable (even with the wierd subplot - you're not actually an assassin during the crusades it seems...), and the end a little quick to come - but this game was always going to be about the graphics, the way that Altair throws himself around these middle age cities with ease and looks amazing doing so. It's simple to make him do it too, simple key combinations result in the most complex of manouvres - and to see the quite brilliantly fluid "counter attacks" that Altair can wield out have left me speechless more than once. We need Ubi or someone else to take the visuals and control of Assassin's Creed and then apply it to a game with a little more life-span, and a bit more complexity - then the platform genre that started it's evolution so long ago with Prince of Persia will truly have evolved into something special. 7/10

The Orange Box

2007-11-09T16:03:00.000Z

Having returned my copy of Halo 3 to Zavvi (the new crap name for Virgin Megastore), I was told that they would not refund me for the game being shit (their prerogative I guess) but would give me an exchange. So, I plumbed for The 'Orange Box', which contains 'HalfLife 2' - a game which is about 3 years old along with a few new 'add-ons' to enhance the game play of what must be an awful game if it was made so long ago. Now, I played Half Life 2 once upon a time ago, on a crappy old PC which didn't really make the best of the game - and so now to come to it on the XBox 360 I was expecting quite a bit. And it delivers, the graphics are amazing, the sound is atmospheric and the music moving and always just right to let you know what horrendous situation is waiting for you around the corner. The game play is stunning, with a great balance of 'shooting the shit' out of everything, and also some nice puzzle play too - all with a great storyline which really helps move the game along. So, it's EVERYTHING which Halo 3 isn't. Along with HL2 in 'The Orange Box' is a game called portal, which is 19 levels of crazy puzzle play which sees you as a cyborg trying to complete a series of tests before realising that you're going to die at the end and then overthrowing the controller - again, this is absolutely brilliant, and although I finished it in 5 hours on Normal, it's an extra game, not a full blown affair like Halo 3 - and it's better than Halo 3 too, with an amazing end sequence complete with brilliant musical 'sign out' by the big bad. The final game in 'The Orange Box' is Team Fortress 2, which is a stunningly great multi player shooter which takes the conventions of first person shooters and adds comedy and classes to it - choose if you want to be a spy, a big gun, an engineer, and then run around and kill the opposing side - it's truly brilliant. All in all, 'The Orange Box' only puts one foot wrong - the graphics are so slick that it gives me motion sickness - and any game that can do that is truly immersive and deserves as many stars as it is possible to give. Everyone should go out and buy this box, it's Orange. 10/10

30 Days of Night

2007-10-31T20:19:00.000Z

Strong Jawed Josh Hartnett along with some blond hair Eliza Dushku look-alike-ee band together to take on a random group of bad-ass vampires on the arctic circle - does this not sound like the best action/horror movie in the world ever?! Well, I'd like to say it was - unfortunately it's one of the worst best movies I've ever seen. Which is to say for the first 90 minutes the movie is brilliant, building tension and suspense just at the right levels, dropping in all the right set pieces and lining up a brilliant ending. And then in the last 15 minutes, when I was expecting something brilliant and show-stopping from the climax - the movie turned into the lamest sack of shit that I've seen in a long time - so much so that an hour after walking out of the cinema for the Halloween preview I'm still flummoxed by the shit they pulled. The ending sucks so much ass that it almost completely makes me forget the 90 minutes before it that were glorious - like being romanced by the most beautiful girl you ever met, only to find out she's a fella and then getting bum raped. I HATE THIS MOVIE! 1/10

Angels and Airwaves - i-Empire

2007-10-30T10:33:00.000Z

It seems that Tom was the talented one. Blink-182 may have been great in their day, rocking out anthems for the teenage youth the world over, but everyone needs to grow up, and in forcibly disbanding 182 and setting up "Angels and Airwaves" Tom DeLonge has created a sound which is so much more mature and with it a bit darker and in tune with an aging me. Now, don't get me wrong, their first album was a bit ... nondescript - and nothing to write home about. Their second album however more than makes up for it by supplying 12 new tracks which scream brilliance! From it's first track it grabs by the throat and doesn't let up for almost an hour of thumping drums, guitars and super-distinctive Tom DeLonge vocals. Absolutely brilliant - with very few albums so far this year coming close to it. With the exception maybe of Jimmy Eat World's "Chasing the Light". 9/10

Another 2 mintues for Halo 3

2007-10-28T18:55:00.000Z

So, earlier today, after a couple of hours of game play, I wrote a few things down that I thought about Halo 3. To briefly recap: "Who the hell was writing all those reviews? It's very much the same as every shooter I've ever seen". Well, 7 hours or so on, and 4 game playing hours and I'm here to give my final verdict on the "Game of the Decade" - because I've finished it. Yes, after roughly 6 hours of game play I've managed to rattle through every level, managed to die quite a considerable number of times (mostly on the final "drive the car" level), and been totally unimpressed with most everything about what has been hyped up to high heaven. The graphics are very "samey" - go look at any of the Tom Clancy games, and there isn't that much to choose between them. The audio is average, nothing to write home about - and the music is appalling - there is no setting to turn it off, and it constantly plays, often too loud and obscuring the vocals of the story. The game play is just like every other shooter - albeit Bungie have added some nice touches with vehicles. What else is there? Longevity? Well, I finished it on Normal in 6 hours. All I can hope is that the multi player game is great, otherwise I've definitely wasted 40 quid on a game I could have rented from Blockbuster. 3/10

Halo 3

2007-10-28T08:53:00.001Z

So much hype, no demo on XB:Live, too much money after payday, and I thought I'd give this "Game of the Decade" a try. Reading the box you would think that this game could magically transform every part of a persons life and make them successful where they once were a little bit pathetic - the plaudits are many and great - BUY ME AND BE BRILLIANT!!! So, the fact that the game is quite distinctly average (at least to the extent that I've played it), leads me to believe that IGM, The Sun, FHM and The News of the World are all being paid to write their reviews. When you put this game next to the truly brilliant "Gears of War" this game is a pale, near to dead, crippled cousin. There is nothing in there that I see which sets it apart from any other first person shooter that I've seen in recent times - of course, this may all change in later levels and there may be some cool new touches which have never graced a console before. I doubt it in all honesty - roll on "Assassins Creed". 4/10

Saw IV

2007-10-27T21:39:00.000+01:00

Not so much 2 minutes this one as two words... "eh?" and "EEHH??!"... Let's not get me wrong, I loved the first Saw movie - thought it was brilliant. Thought the second was crap, thought the third didn't deserve a viewing, and have rejoined the series for the fourth outing. Maybe me missing the third has meant that my mind is missing some intricate piece of knowledge that would help me unlock this latest installment, but as I saw it with three friends (who had partaken in the third installment) who all came out equally perplexed as to what the hell happened in the ninety or so minutes that I was supposed to be mesmerised by flowing blood and intricate machines of murder. Really, it was 90 minutes of poorly acted "TV-movie"-esque affair mediocrity. And it would have been mediocre for TV - the fact that I had to pay over 6 quid for the privilege relegates this hack and slash, gore fest to the realms of real appallingness, especially given the rather limited amount of real hackery and slashery, and almost negligable exposed guttishness - all the time going round and round and round and round. And then an ending arrives which gives absolutely no meaning to the previous time spent in darkness. Total, utter, crap. 2/10

Heroes (Book 2 - Chapter 5)

2007-10-24T16:12:00.000+01:00

Heroes is, after a short lived burst of excitement two weeks ago, returning to the days of past where each episode is formulaic, telegraphed and predictable. After "rebooting" the first series by bringing everyone back (Peter, Sylar, Nathan, Everyone), a brief spark ensued where we were fed the shocker that Nightmare guy is Parkman's old man, and then immediately afterwards each and every character has slipped back into "boredom" mode - and what's more, the newer characters seem to have come with a "boredom++" setting - Mika's cousin for example in good old New Orleans, borders on PATHETIC - her powers are dull, and if she doesn't stop going on about god giving her "a purpose" - or her "being meant for something special" my laptop might get thrown through a window. I am totally unbelieving how people continue to rave about this show, as it "personifies" mediocrity in everything it does. 3/10

Spooks (Season 5, Episode 2)

2007-10-16T23:28:00.001+01:00

How the hell can episode 2 be better than the first? No idea... it just was. And it looks like we're in for a hell of an arc over the next 10-12 weeks. Zaff alive but still gone, Harry falling to pieces, Adam being brilliant - amazingly brilliant... the entire cast were awesome and it put '24' to shame - Jack Bauer is a pale comparison to the MI5 team! Loved it, loved it, loved it! 10/10

Spooks (Season 5, Episode 1)

2007-10-16T21:58:00.000+01:00

With the millions of monetary units that Americans pump into creating episodes of crap like Heroes - the BBC come along and in 60 minutes manage to get the blood pumping harder, and the pulse racing harder than ANYTHING that the Americans have come along with in years. The first episode was absolutely brilliant and I can only thank the heavens that with BBC3 I only have to wait 30 minutes to see if Zaff is going to end up pushing up daisies - if Adam and Roz are going to get to play doctors and nurses again, and if the UK is going to be wiped out! 9/10

Gina G Chocolate Cake

2007-10-11T12:53:00.000+01:00

Now I'll be the first to admit I'm not actually a 'cake' person - I've only ever had one cake (in my adult life) that I've actually liked, and that cost almost 750 quid for my friend Suzi's wedding. That too was chocolate just like the specimen that Greg's lady friend Gina sent me this past Monday. I'll also be the first to admit that leaving chocolate cake in the fridge for 4 days probably isn't the best way to keep it preserved. So, last night I tried Gina cake. Gina cake was EXACTLY what it said on the tin, chocolate, the only part of the cake that didn't appear to be chocolate was the wafer thin cream part in the middle. This made for startling contrast and made the chocolate look especially brown - all the chocolate; from the cake, to the covering, to the buttons that adorned it's top, it was chocolate. Now baring in mind the cake had been fridge-bound for days i expected something a little dry - but it wasn't. It was nice and moist, and the texture was somewhere between fluffy and brick-like - just where it should have been. It's hard to chocolate overload me, but in the end - it was a close run thing. All in all, the Gina cake was a fairly darned good cake. Unfortunately, I don't like cake; If I did like cake, I'm sure I could have eaten Gina cake till I died, as it was it was hard work to make it all go down. Great cake Gina, but it's not you - it's me. 5/10

The Brave One

2007-10-08T17:40:00.000+01:00

Jodie Foster gets a nipple out. That's not the entire movie, but is actually one of the more memorable moments of the 120 minutes. Yes, Jodie Foster gets a nipple out. The rest is quite dull - woman and boyfriend get their proverbials kicked to the point of near death/death (respectively) and then said young woman goes all postal and starts shooting up the mean streets of New York. The cop she befriends has wonky eyes and I can't take him seriously in any role he's ever in. All in all a very very average affair. But did I mentioned that Jodie Foster gets a nipple out? Though it just occurs to me - it could have been a stunt nipple! 6/10

more Apple iPod Touch

2007-10-08T17:34:00.000+01:00

Another 2 minutes on my iPod. Shortly after writing my last rant my iPod started working like a dream. So, now I've been playing with it for a week I can say that while I love the fact it's not broken is a good thing - the fact that I'm continuously noticing things that aren't as good as old iPods it a bad thing. On The Go playlists for example, have gone from being dead easy - to being a right royal pain in the arse. The wi-fi is problematic at best and frequently refuses to connect to access points. The screen is gorgeous, but attracts greasy finger prints like a black hole pulling in all the grime from my podgy digits. The lock button annoys me. The fact that it can't do two things at once makes me want to throw the thing at a wall. But ultimately I guess, I can live with it all. Because it's amazingly gorgeous, the "touch" now works (mostly), and brightness of the screen is enough to light Wembley Stadium. 9.5/10

Apple iPod Touch

2007-10-03T13:50:00.000+01:00

The long wait is over - having ordered it at the start of September, it's taken a sodding age to get here - and yesterday my new iPod arrived (albeit after I'd phoned TNT and told them to get their fingers out, 'Can't find your address' my arse, they managed the second time when they actually looked). Anyway, the packaging is as always spectacularly good - heavy, matte black box, with Macy Gray affront an iPod touch adorning the cover. As it comes out of it's box I'm definitely feeling 'luxury' product. The iPod itself is a littler larger than I expected, but is a sliver of metal and glass that fits perfectly in the hand. Once again, Luxury is the only word that describes the new media player. Pressing the discreet 'on' button results in a subtle ping and the screen coming alive - and it's here that it really comes into it's own - pixels sliding gloriously all over the place, the experience of handling the iPod is second to none one of the best interface experiences of my life. It's of course at this point that things go wrong - having got the wi-fi up and running, and pointed at the Safari link I tried to get to facebook. Login screen pops up... I'm going "ooooooooooohh" in my head, and then i try to enter my login details. Unfortunately my login details have a P in there, and this is where I realise that the 3cm of the screen on the right don't have their touch functionality activated. Amazingly annoyed I throw my iPod at the wall and watch it smash into a million pieces. At least in my head. Look, I LOVE my iPod touch - just a shame that Apple couldn't have put an extra 2 months into developing and testing them before launching them with all the problems that are dogging it. Would have been 10/10, but as it's bocked - only 5/10. Roll on my replacement.

Scouting for Girls - Scouting for Girls

2007-09-30T18:27:00.000+01:00

A chance encounter with an ad for this new British band might have been the luckiest moment I've had all year. Thoroughly brilliant as Sunday morning wake up music as well as Gym music, this is a truly brilliant album which constantly has my toe tapping - and constantly runs through my head even when iTunes isn't playing it. Only pissed off that I've missed out on tickets for when they play the Cockpit in Leeds later this year. Stand out tracks for me are Heartbeat and She's so Lovely - "always up for a laugh, she's a pain in the arse"... indeed. 8.5/10

Superbad

2007-09-30T18:23:00.001+01:00

Put quite simply Superbad is this generations "American Pie", but about 200% better. Starting with 10 minutes of cock jokes sets the pace for the rest of the movie and three completely real kids go through one of their last days in high school. The cast are absolutely brilliant and I found myself noting similarities between the three "teen's", and also seeing in them people that I've known over the last 20 years. I didn't stop laughing for more than 3 minutes throughout the entire screening and doubt I'll see a funnier film all year. 9/10

Mr Woodcock

2007-09-30T18:18:00.000+01:00

This just might be the funniest movie ever released... EVER. Yes, of course I'm taking the piss. It's actual funny joke quotient sits at exactly 1. That's 1 decent laugh for the entire 90 minutes of the piece. It was formulaic trash from start to finish, Seann William Scott, Billy Bob Thornton and Susan Sarandon are all utterly awful in their roles and the rest of the supporting cast do absolutely nothing to raise it above the level of pure awefullness. Do something more exciting today - get toothache. 1.5/10

Reaper (Episode 1)

2007-09-29T17:43:00.000+01:00

"You sold my soul to the devil?" - that's the premise behind the witty and quite frankly brilliant 40 minute beauty that is "Reaper". Sam wakes up on his 21st birthday to discover that his folks traded his soul for his Fathers good health long before he was even born. The casting is great - from Sam's best friend, to his love interest, to his mom and dad and everyone else too - noone put's a foot wrong, and the devil is awesomely handled - I just know we're going to see him get more evil than the downright creepy he managed to pull off in episode 1 as he crushes an unfortunate gentleman who "failed to honour the agreement" for his own soul. It's got humour, it's got drama, it's got wonderful eye candy... up there with the best of all the new TV I've seen this last month and one I'll definately be keeping an eye on. 8.5/10

Chuck (Pilot)

2007-09-29T17:35:00.000+01:00

From the creator of the OC comes the promise of a spy series complete with humour and intelligence. Well, that's the promise, though for my money what they actually delivered didn't so much match against it. Which isn't to say that I didn't like what they delivered - just that it wasn't really that intelligent, and although the lead is the same guy who in my opinion gave "Less than Perfect" almost 50% of it's laughs - Chuck just didn't bring in the laughs for me in the first episode. What it did do however was make me chuckle, and also set up the main characters really quite well - so much so that I'm actually thinking that from episode 2 we might start to see the real laughs, and the real intelligence that was sadly not quite there in this pilot viewing. I liked it a lot, just stacked up against Journeyman and Reaper - it's the bottom of my viewing list for next week. 7/10

Heroes (Book 2 - Chapter 1)

2007-09-29T17:22:00.000+01:00

Having been downright upset with the promise and then letdown of the first season of Heroes I've decided to give it one more chance - not least because of the promise of a season without Peter Petrelli, and also because I don't want them 2 days I spent watching the first season be for nothing. So, the first episode of the new season introduced a couple of new "heroes" to the mix - a crazy south American woman who kills people by making their eyes bleed, a dim witted student lad with the ability to fly (yawn) and also a hooded murderous type who seems to be able to withstand a fall. Of course, some of the old crowd are back too - Matt Parkman getting his detective badge, Suresh and Claire's Dad out to "bring down the company", Claire being harassed by previously mentioned flying dim witted student, and Nathan Petrelli, complete with "homeless man beard" - who must have dropped his brother to escape the blast - not very together to the end if you ask me. Finally, Hiro is still back in the past and finding out first hand about that sword he stole in season 1. All in all the episode had a nice fast pace to it - getting us all (those who loved, and those who didn't quite alike) abreast of what's happened in the 4 months since Peter died. Except well, he didn't. As the last 2 minutes see a return for amateur acting skilled Peter Petrelli - though with a severe case of amnesia, and glowy energy emitting hand powers. Let's hope the lack of memory has freed some space for "not being a plank when acting" hero powers. 6/10

Journeyman (Pilot)

2007-09-29T17:15:00.000+01:00

The "Silent and strong" one from Rome comes to a cross between Cold Case and Quantum Leap (with a little bit of Dawsons Creek in their for the musical inspiration). Journeyman starts slowly and quickly ramps up the speed with a great storyline, and also a hell of a lot of back story too. Everyone plays their roles brilliantly, from the hurt of the jilted brother to the innocence of the eager son. The only thing that stops me from absolutely loving Journeyman is the fact that it seems to be Quantum Leap - and when that series was so perfect to start with it seems silly that someone else would try to go back there. It is however only the first episode and Sarah McLaughlin's "Building a mystery" has never been so apt as when Dan "Journeymans" dead ex-lover turns up in the past to warn him not to change anything. Can't wait for the next installment to see if it lives up to the first. 8.5/10

BBC iPlayer

2007-09-07T09:53:00.001+01:00

So, millions of tax payer pounds later and the open source nerd squad railing against it and I looked at it and was completely underwhelmed. To be fair it's not just the linux-kids who are pissed off - I run Window Vista and can't get the thing running without faking my user agent string. However, these operational things are small when compared to the fact that the BBC can't manage to get their content onto the thing. Having purposefully decided that I was able to miss a couple of programmes because they were on iPlayer I have been unbelievably pissed off to find that "However, due to unforeseen technical difficulties, a small percentage of the content listed is unavailable to download;" is a very valid argument for the BBC pissing my tax payer pounds up the wall, and not delivering on their promise to give me BBC content online. Either make it work or shelve the fucking project - half arsed isn't useful to me. 3/10

Hallam Foe

2007-09-01T23:47:00.000+01:00

Having only found out about this movie about 10 days ago, with it's large yellow bill boards proclaiming it to be the best movie ever made, I was a bit sceptical and didn't really expect too much. Billy Elliot 2 or something. It is however completely magical. Jamie Bell is amazingly believable as troubled Hallam and plays the part wonderfully, supported by no-one who puts a foot wrong - every single member of the cast playing their role to perfection. It has moments that made me cringe, moments that made me smile, moments that made me sad - and not a single moment where I regretted the 6.25 to get into the cinema. British Cinematic Perfection. 9/10

1408

2007-09-01T23:41:00.000+01:00

No doubt John Cussack is brilliant - this is just a given. He's brilliant after all, and his part in 1408 is no different, as pretty much the only person in it for well over 50% of the movie he really needs to though. I would love to say that I loved 1408 - however, I'd just as much like to say that I hated 1408. It was just a bit ... well, strange. There are some plain moments of genius, and some parts that were so well delivered - especially the second death of the daughter. But also, it was kinda dull, kinda predictable, and kinda everything that I expected it to be. I wanted something DIFFERENT and blowing of the mind. Before going in someone had remarked that it had been compared to "The Shining" - and honestly I did not take that away from the movie. It's good - it's just not great. Which is a shame as I've been looking forward to it since I saw the trailer last year. 7/10

Rush Hour 3

2007-08-28T15:43:00.000+01:00

With an "African American" and "Oriental Bloke" in the lead roles, Rush Hour 3 continues in the footsteps of Rush Hour 2 - trying it's hardest to push racial slurs to the limit of what Hollywood will accept - because well, they ain't white so it's perfectly okay. In story however it's a totally different story, RH3 doesn't try to continue in the footsteps of RH2, but more to completely retread the same steps once again. Sure, Chris Tucker is funny. Sure, Jackie Chan is quick with his ninja like fists of fury. BUT I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE. There is nothing new in this movie - and with it's script straight out of "script writing 101" I truly hope that they leave it at 3, and don't have the audacity to try to sell us RH4 in 3 years time. 3/10

Adobe Flash CS3 on Windows Vista

2007-08-25T14:36:00.000+01:00

I don't know if the Windows Vista makes a difference, however, all my Flash using friends over the years have always been very quick to tell me how "mature" the Flash development environment is, and how that alone makes it better than all its competitors. Take a look at the image here and tell me how _mature_ you think the Flash environment is?

It's not unlike a 3 week old peice of freeware - freeware whose developers can't quite work out how window stacking works. As a none Flash programmer, being forced to write Flash in order to get us out of a bind, this shoddy program only helps heighten my sense of frustration and make me want to throw my laptop out of a window - roll on Silverlight. 2/10

Eagle vs. Shark

2007-08-21T21:45:00.000+01:00

Trying to be something between "Napolean Dynamite" and "Pretty Woman" this flick from New Zealand tries a little too hard and falls on it's arse in delivering on both. A dazzling performance by the leading lady and a very rugged one by the leading chap are the only things that I liked about what I hoped would be a much better, much funnier movie. 3/10

Flash Gordon (The Pilot)

2007-08-20T00:09:00.000+01:00

The Sci-Fi channel has in recent years done much to put fantastic science fiction onto our TV's - from taking on programmes such as Stargate SG1, and bringing Doctor Who to the US. It has of course been part of some stinky decisions too - like not doing nearly enough to make sure excellent TV series like Firefly continued to be made. However, no "booboo" that Sci-Fi has previously made comes remotely close to the barbaric heresy that they have committed in the re-imagination of Flash Gordon. Flash is wrong, Dale is wrong, Zarkov is wrong, Ming is wrong - EVERYTHING about it is wrong. But not only is everything wrong, everything is bad too. Flash is bad, Dale is bad, Zarkov is bad, Ming is bad. They all seem like they're in a really bad porn movie, with dialog to match. Nothing about the pilot of Flash Gordon reprieves it from being the worst 65 minutes of television that I've had the displeasure to see in at least the last 2 years. 1/10

The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-16T21:06:00.000+01:00

2 hours of kicks, punches, guns shots and car chases. Matt Damon does his best to be cool - he's not Bond - there's a little bit of "near" free-running in the middle - he's still not Bond - and finally, there's a plot which near completes the trilogy well. All the supporting actors are a bit plastic, but the action is good, and the two hours passed really quick - time flies when you're having fun and it was definately a fun movie. Silver class action adventure for munching popcorn to. 7/10

HEROES (Chapter 6 through 23)

2007-08-11T21:18:00.000+01:00

Much like many of the cast of HEROES, I think that I may be hardwired a little different from 'normal' people. This series which has been recieved so well from the 'critics' worldwide, not to mention my friends and family - who repeatedly tell me is the best thing on television, turns out to actually be exactly the lame duck that I thought it was after just 2 episodes. While there are undoubtably some great moments in the first season, it's ultimately, and frequently, let down by a piss poor leading man in Peter Petrelli, who's acting talent seems remarkably like that of a 12 year old at times, a story which is pretty predictable - and mostly dull, and an ending which left me funnily not wanting any more - has there ever been a less interesting final confrontation between good and evil? Much like The Davinci Code, complete toss - but toss that I couldn't "put down", and just wasted 12 hours of my life on. 4/10

HEROES (Chapter 4 and 5)

2007-08-08T22:42:00.000+01:00

It's all about magnitude really - which was something that LOST really pulled off very well. Just seems to me that HEROES gave too much away with the whole explosion thing - and as such this means that each week the what would otherwise be brilliant cliffhangers, and reveals kinda pale into comparison with the whole "city being destroyed" money-shot that I'm now sure won't come for another 15 weeks. Of course, the tension is rising, and along with some nice special effects (especially effective was the young cheerleeder peeling her own flesh back on) HEROES is starting to find it's feet. But LOST it ain't. Better effects, maybe even possible a better story - it's just misread what I as a viewer want in terms of what and when it's going to give me the bites of the story that I want. 6/10

Hairspray

2007-07-30T18:10:00.000+01:00

Pure feel-good musical gold through and through. For those people who hate action movies, or have "other halves" who hate action movies, this is the one that's almost as good - but totally different of course - to Transformers, and a complete must see! Two hours whizz by to foot tapping tunes, and the only people who let it down are John Travolta and Chris Walken - who I hated in their roles. It was so good I saw it twice... 9.75/10

HEROES (Chapter 1 and 2)

2007-07-26T11:36:00.000+01:00

Hype extreme doesn't convert well into the first 2 episodes of HEROES, which without putting too finer point on it is 80 minutes of introductions to characters that for the most part by the end of it I've feel no further affinity with or love for. The only possible exception to the tedium was the Japanese guy Hiro's completely over the top, yet slightly brilliant performance, and a small heart felt moment between mother and son which I thought was very well done. Given the first two episodes, without the hype of it being the best thing on tv since "colour", there is very little reason for watching it other than the eye candy. 3/10

Simpsons the Movie

2007-07-26T11:35:00.000+01:00

Comic book marvelling running to the length of about three episodes, with the production values of a single episode of HEROES or the like. Despite moments of raw genius - such as at a cinema, with the bible, a few swipes at FOX, and an emotional moment with a video tape - it's the usual Simpsons formula (complete with strangling) - albeit on a looser budget. 6/10

Transformers the Movie (none animated)

2007-07-26T11:34:00.000+01:00

Ten out of ten hardcore metal on metal action with an epic funny bone to boot. Besides the fact that Optimus Primes mouth moves, it's perfect from start to finish. 10/10

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2007-07-26T11:32:00.000+01:00

Predicatable affair, scattered with backhanded slaps and salutes to the nazi's, organised religion and lots of other "muggle" historionics. 11 deaths and a crap last chapter. Also, JK Rowling is an aweful writer. 4/10